The High School Sweetheart Syndrome

This may not what you expect at first.   But I can be a surprising guy..

Marrying/Living with your 'highschool sweetheart' has always  bothered me.  I know for sure that if I had done this I would be unhappy with my life.I would be filled with regret and longing.

I have observed couples who married very young. They end up trapped by the familiarity and comfort. And too afraid to act upon their agonizing emptiness and wondering what if...

Don't get me wrong here! If you are in a HS (High school Sweetheart) relationship and you are loving it  then I’m not talking about you.

My high school relationship started in the second half of my grade nine year. I was 14.

This relationship lasted lasted up until  the last day of high school.  Four Long Years. Long.

I felt happy in the first year.  But quickly it grew to be a very controlling, trustless and painful relationship.  I eventually had to talk to my HS girlfriend constantly. Late in the evening when I went to bed I had to talk to her on the phone  so 'we' could go to bed at the same time. It was nauseating.

She was a few years younger than me so she wasn't allowed out as late as I was once I got my freedom from being able to drive.  Her 'controlling' behaviour   turned me into an automaton. Like Pavlov’s dogs I knew that once I called her to say 'goodnight,' I could then go out and finally have fun with my real friends.  She was happy knowing I was behaving and I was happy pretending to do what she demanded I do. I became uncomfortable having her around my friends because of the chance of her finding out I wasn't going to bed when I said goodnight to her.   Our dependence upon each other grew this way. My life was shaped around her demands and my performances for her. And, in her mind, she was comforted knowing we would ALWAYS be together. Even though when we were together we both felt completely alone.

As unhealthy as this was I am grateful for the experience. I learned more from this relationship then I did from my lame Computer Science class.

How did I find the strength to break the codependent spell and walk away?

One thing: COLLEGE.

She told me repeatedly I could not leave town without her. These were her orders. It was habit to agree with her, and be there for her, despite most of her orders conflicting with what I needed and wanted.  But once I visited my college campus and tasted the freedom of a town and life without her it became apparent how unhealthy our relationship was.

I knew, finally that it had to end.

I was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life up to that point.

Dozens of times I had tried to break up with her because I hated the feeling of being so silenced and controlled. I was a teenager! I just wanted to go and have fun! But I was living the life of an elderly long-married unhappy man or a baby. The fun I'm talking about was simply, hanging out with my friends, and not having to call anyone to tell them I was going to sleep.

Each time I had tried to end it, I was told many things. She manipulated me with made up problems from, 'I'm pregnant!', to 'I can't live without you, and don't worry about me because I won't be on this planet anymore!'.  Her suicidal gestures felt genuine because she was a cutter - she would make herself bleed when she was stressed out!

If felt more comfortable to stay with her than to face her threats and emotional abuses.   This comfort and fear was what I mistook, back then as a High school Sweetheart, for love.

To end it, I had to rely on the phone, because I could not handle the face to face. If I tried to end it face to face I would have fallen apart and been unable to end it.
So I called, and said,
'It's over, i can't handle this anymore, goodbye.'  And hung up, turned off my phone.
It was great timing because a friend stopped by and asked if I wanted to help another friend move some stuff to a town about 3 hours away.  I felt free, I didn't have to call anyone, I could just go, and DO what I wanted to do.  A simple road trip gave me that feeling!

I have a couple friend who were together for 5 years after their graduation.  Maybe for a couple of years of high school as well.  I got a first hand experience of what it would've been like to live with my HS.  When I moved to Alberta, I initially lived with this couple.  I could only stand it for a few months!
This HS couple  were constantly fighting. They never seemed to get a long.  She threatened him daily by telling him she was leaving him. He would co-dependently through some sort of guilt at her to drag her back down into the mess of their relationship.

They had moved away from family and lived together, basically all alone.  She had no support to leave him, therefore she stayed with him.  Not for love, but for a more confusing sense of love called GUILT.

They have since moved back to Ontario, back to family.  This finally surrounded her with the emotional support to leave him.  I'm very proud of her for leaving him, as he was extremely emotionally abusive, and physically threatening  all the time.  It did go back and forth: he would say something intense, then she would get defensive and get just as abusive.


She is so much happier now, without him. If she had only ended it earlier, she would have saved herself from months and months of agony, fear and emotional damage.  She has held herself together, and seems so much happier now.  She left him 5 months ago, and I'm sure it wasn't easy, but friends and family who are there for support definitely help!  Congrats, you know who you are! Keep on LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

I have strong feelings because I’ve been in a HS relationship that was sick and sat in the front row for another horrible one.  I now know if you're not happy in your relationship, get out!   Living the rest of your life unhappy is tragic.  You alone have the power to change it.  It will seem hard to do, impossible even. But you have to remember you are strong, and you can walk away, seek your friends and family who will help with the emotional/mental support, be open with them, don't be scared.  I'm sure you have heard the old line, "face your fears."  You may think that comfortable and familiar is the best, because it is easiest and safe.  Being unhappy is far from easy.  Choosing this kind of comfort guarantees a life filled with feelings of contempt, nervousness, stress, and fear.  Your body becomes accustomed to the feeling of being trapped and stressed. You eventually can even forget what happiness even feels like. You might tell people you are happy and even tell yourself that, but in tears, while there is yelling, and while you dream of another very different life - you know you aren't happy at all.

Take a step back and look at where you are in life, and where you want to be in life.  Everything takes time, and building up the courage to walk away is extremely hard, but it is needed.  People who live with unhappy relationships, and continue to live with them, are building a house on a foundation made of paper.  Over time, like the weather, the unhappiness will beat on the this foundation, and cause it to wither and disintegrate.  Once it does, it will fall apart, causing everything built on it to fall apart, in a very messy way.  Look into the future. Do you want kids, do you want a nice house on a farm, or perhaps a victorian style home in a the heart of a major city, a family of 18, or just a family, with all your friends.  Imagine where you want to be 10 years from now, now imagine  your current spouse in that scenario along with the hatred of divorce/splitting up.  Having to worry about child support, leaving your dream home, or staying in it with memories you hate.  YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!  If you get out early you will have a better chance of being happy in life.  Relationships that end down the road including kids, makes things so much harder, and most of the abused, are extremely happy they have moved on.  They also seem to regret not leaving sooner.

In hindsight, I'm happy what I've done.  I am very proud of people who have been able to move on.  My heart goes out to those who are stuck in this type of relationship, and feel stuck.  Please take my advice, I promise you, you will be happier.  You may be scared, you may feel as though leaving the person you are with, will leave you alone for all of eternity.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Honestly, being alone is much better than being with someone who makes you unhappy.  There are so many people full of love who will treat you a million times better, and likely spoil you the way you want/deserve to be spoiled.  And finding them at 20 is far easier than finding them at 40 or 50. Live your life to the fullest, and share your happiness with all.  Find the people who will support you, then JUST DO IT!

SHARE YOUR <3 WITH THOSE WHO DESERVE IT.  Remember, you control that, NO ONE ELSE!

I encourage all who read this to share their experiences, as this, I'm sure can help people grow their confidence, and move on with their life.